What Do People and Families Really Think About Belly Dance?
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by Leyla Najma · 14 Comments
What do people and families really think about belly dance? This is an open discussion that extends and co-exists with the life of the dancer. When I started out belly dancing, the hardest part was acknowledging to myself that it was a life time plunge of commitment and sacrifice.
Belly dance is a different kind of world that is like an endless ocean of undiscovered possibilities and hidden treasure troves of opportunities. To the individual dancer, every time we get on stage, we take a chance of either acceptance or rejection. If you think about it, it’s kind of crazy, this innate need to entertain audiences far and wide without knowing ahead of time, our outcome. We go on faith, and it’s this faith that leads us insistently on our belly dance path. In the end, what we have within us is the one truth that lights the way even in the darkest of times. I’m not being so melodramatic out of silliness, in one way or the other, we all walk the path of an explorer. It’s because of our commitment to develop our dance personas, wherein lies our human nature to languish at times or flourish. It just depends on the quality of our daily lives and commitment to their families.
In a way, every dancer has their families up on stage with them which is why the essence of a dancer is always so much bigger then just herself. Drama, passion, anger and joy all come through within the movements of each gesture and hip thrust. I have danced after an argument with Daniel and after it was all said and done, I drove home with the issue less problematic. Dance allows our emotions a healthy outburst without losing our cool. Our audiences don’t know any better unless they see us carry our issues with us when we walk in the front doors.
My parents have come to a meeting of the minds with my dancing and yet I can still tell it makes them uncomfortable. The rest of my family is beyond the intrigued stage, and find it normal and perhaps a bit boring. Savanah and Daniel support me when they can but I have come to a comfort level within my dancing where I don’t need them to see every performance. Because I made my intention clear regarding belly dance, everyone around me realized it was a fact life. But what about women who really want to dance and they get backlash from family members or friends? Years ago, a dance friend of mine met a guy who she really liked. He was handsome, wealthy and he swept her off her feet. He knew she was a belly dancer and at first he celebrated her dancing, but as their relationship ensued months down the line, his true feelings came out. He didn’t like the costumes, he didn’t like the music and he thought she was flirting with men on purpose. He said it was degrading and he felt she should stop dancing all together. At first, because she really cared for him, she decided to take a break from dancing but every week she would hear from her dance friends and they would talk about the shows and dance gigs they peformed at. She was miserable and deep down inside, she knew she allowed his insecure feelings to dictate her individual happiness. Interestingly enough, she found it funny how he didn’t want her to dance but yet, he felt it was okay to go to gentlemen’s clubs around town. When she questioned him on it, he said that it was different because they were strippers and he wasn’t associated to them in any way. Finally the light bulb went off when she realized he was the epitome of double standards, so she ended their relationship. The problem here isn’t strippers, it’s the mind set of people who live their lives according to double standards, insecurities and phobias. Plus, hello…we keep our clothes on!!
One experience that I had with a student has to this day made me aware of how interlaced our private lives are with the feminine self. A new student came to her first class because she had just lost a lot of weight and she was feeling confident about herself. She had always wanted to learn how to belly dance and decided it was a good time to start. As the classes progressed, I could tell she was happy and enjoying herself. But every time her husband came to pick her up, he would sulk and ask in a loud voice when class would be over. I finally lost it and told him that he would have to wait outside. He was angry and called to his wife to leave with him. Unfortunately, even under the protest of students asking her to stay, she left with him and the following day called me, telling me she would have to quit taking classes. She said her husband felt they were a waste of time and he didn’t like his time being taken up, having to drop her off and pick her up. I offered to help out by picking her up and dropping her off but she told me that the classes were causing problems in her marriage. She allowed her joy and bliss to be swept aside for a selfish man. How many women in our society do this and at what cost?
The mind can become scrambled and confused, especially when it comes to sexuality and sensuality. Society throws us into a melting pot that has nothing to do with us. We are apart of a different kind of buffet that has endless tastes, smells and delights, so the desire to separate our dance from others types, is based on it’s own unique aroma, called the spice of life.
I went through problems with my first marriage and I had friends who supported my ex’s feelings. I remember a friend who knew nothing about belly dance, came up to me and said, “Why would you want to move like that in front of a lot of people? I think it would be very embarrassing to do that.” What do you say to someone as ignorant as that? It was apparent, that this woman had self image issues, besides wanting to drag myself confidence down to her level. Now when I see some of these friends, they can’t wait to ask me about what I’m doing and they genuinely give me support that they didn’t in the beginning. I think the difference with belly dance from other dance forms is this “prove me wrong” type of attitude. It’s like we have to go through a rite of passage with family and friends that can be exhausting. The saving grace for most of us, is the empowerment of who we become as we progress through life as belly dancers. I know we really don’t have anything to prove, but in the end, just the fact we are doing what we love, speaks volumes that is not only heard but felt by many.
There’s the other side to this coin that is really on the perverted side. I had a private student, whose husband insisted that he watch us practice. He loved belly dance, or so I was told and his wife would be required to dance for him after I left, which I thought was kind of weird. Anyways, I noticed that he was asking me to stay for lunch more and more after class and then he would sit close to me at the kitchen table and before I knew it…his hand was on my thigh. If looks could kill…he would have been massacred. Needless to say after that incident, the private classes ended at their house and I made her come to my studio…alone.
And…believe it or not, nightclubs sometimes attract the darndest people, some who have bizarre fetishes. I had an experience with a couple that leaned towards the kinky side. A husband and wife would come and watch me perform at a restaurant/nightclub called Sinbad’s in Dallas. They would come on the weekends specifically to see me perform…ahhh…well, this is what they said. The woman asked for my business card and told me she was very interested in having me come to their house for private classes. They were a very attractive couple and I thought she would down the line be a beautiful dancer. I got a call the following week from the woman stating she wanted to take classes but she had a bizarre request. She wanted me to specifically wear, an evening gown, garter belt and high heels. Time stood still and for a few seconds, I couldn’t get a word out no matter how hard I tried. When my voice came back, I asked her why she would insist I wear evening clothes and heels for dance class. Her answer through me for a loop, to say the least. She said, “I want us both to be dressed up so we can dance together, in front of my husband and then maybe take our clothes off.” Panic, fear and every major emotion went through me and I tried to politely decline her offer. She was insistent then her husband came on the line and I finally just hung up and had to sit there for a minute in order to gain my senses. I’m normally not a nervous Nellie by nature, but I was panicking the following weekend because I was dreading the mere chance they might be at the club sitting at their favorite table. Lady luck was on my side, because I didn’t hear or see a peep out them that weekend. But my luck didn’t last, because a few weeks later they came to see my show and asked the owner if they could talk to me. I was in my dressing room when the owner came over and said a couple out front wanted to talk to me. My heart dropped and I told him I would be out in a minute. I knew it was them, and low and behold it was, so I went over to the table with one thing on my mind, to set things straight. They wanted to talk to me about the phone call and I put my hand up and said, “I’m a professional dancer and what you were asking me to do was insulting. We have nothing more to discuss.” So I walked away from the table and never saw them after that…thank God!
Some of the strange things people say, makes me wonder if we have thoughtless people out there, or if our dance puts people in a hypnotic trance that makes them say things they normally wouldn’t under normal circumstances. When I danced at a restaurant in town called Pars Cuisine, there were a few occasions’ people asked me questions that seemed out of place. One guy was sitting with his wife and parents and he blurted out, “I here that belly dancing is great for sex.” His wife stared at him, his parents went white and then red and I tried not to laugh. I told him belly dance was good for everything and I emphasized the everything part. Another patron accused me of flirting with her husband who I must say was about as attractive as a doorknob. Anyways, I told her that I was really dancing for her since it was a woman’s dance and her husband said, “See, I told you she liked women.” That was one of those moments where I just stood there and stared at the customer. Poor couple, they got my gospel according to Leyla on all aspects of belly dance, the history, customs and expected manners from customers etc. I think that was their first and last time at the restaurant. Another customer asked me where the nearest strip club was, and I told him I told him I wouldn’t know. He said, “I find that hard to believe since you’re a belly dancer. I thought all belly dancer were strippers too.” I went from peaceful to ballistic in sixty seconds and made it clear the two had nothing in common. His friend understood my cold stare and suggested they go and ask someone else. I told his friend, “Good idea.”
With belly dance, it’s easy to see why people with no desire to study or research our dance form can get the wrong impression. But in many ways, it’s a sad sign of the times because we represent one of the oldest dance forms on the planet. I stress to my students, that once they begin their journeys in belly dance, they will be required to educate masses until the day they retire or breath their last breathe. Though I must admit, that with belly dance I have had the most amazing experiences of my life and the most bizarre. But hey, that’s what blogs or books are for. Who else could tell such stories without making them up…only a belly dancer.
Trail Blazing Journey
Thus far I feel really good, lots more energy and I have a new vitality. I am taking Thyroid Caps by Solaray, and Tangy Tangerine for vitamin and minerals. Menopause is a thing of the past and I do believe I feel better and back to normal because of the Thyroid Caps. Daniel can fit into his pants again..so he is very excited and I think I’ve lost a few pounds. I am doing my first video this weekend so we’ll see how I look in front of the camera. I am losing slowly but I am steady and I think with no cheeze and bread that I can really feel the difference.
The article I wrote about Barbara Sayre Harmon is going ot be in the next issue of Chronicles Belly Dance Magazine so those of you who haven’t seen the interview of Barbara for BDV, go to www.bellydancevillage.com
Related posts:
- Husbands versus Belly Dance
- The Other Half of Me (My Belly Dance Husband)
- Keeping the Heart in Belly Dance
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About Leyla Najma
Many of these combinations and cosmically inspired ideas that I consider real gems and I am confident that with the way I chapter and organize everything that you will get the help you need or at least feel free to take from my ideas.
Hi Leyla,
Have quickly scanned your article. Cannot wait for the time to really read it. Think this is a great subject. I come from a very British upbringing and felt my family would be mortified to find out that they thought it was wonderful and even had ties in the Middle East. A big welcome surprise. Then I married Lebanese and thought that would be great. For years they ignored the fact I was a dancer. Then finally came to see a show and said “I did not know you did the real thing. It is wonderful.” So now they love me and support me totally. As for friends who are not in the business. Some felt it risque. How could I do such a thing.? The New England area was fine because there is a large Lebanese and Armenian community. I moved to Southern CA, San Diego to be exact. I have been here almost 16 years and am still treated with disdain. The community has no respect for the dancers or this line of dance. Very narrow minded. I keep busy and keep my scruples but have had people tell me to just give people what they want which is the sleazy side of the dance. This way I could make more money.
I am still here and still love the dance. My biggest thing now is putting the culture back in the dance.
Keep up the great work,
Morwenna
Hello Morwenna,
It’s always a pleasure to get your comments!! Thank you for writing in!!
Can you send a photo of you dancing? I would love to see one of your performances. And do you have a story to share? I know we all have stories because people just don’t know how to act or what to say sometimes. Anyways I thought it would be fun to write about a few of my experiences and see if anybody else has had anything similar. I love the fact that belly dancers are here to stay…powerful, beautiful women who know who they are and why they dance! You my dear friend are truly in this catagory and I am honored to know you!!
Hugs and Blessings,
Leyla
Hi Leyla,
Have to do that on my other computer but yes I can send a picture. How about one of me and my husband taken in Lebanon last year. Or one taken 3 weeks ago which is folkloric?
OH yeah!! We all need to see who the beautiful Morwenna is!! I can’t wait!!
HI LEYLA,
JUST SAYING WE HAVE A TEACHER WHO HAS BEEN DANCING FOR YEARS ALSO THIS SUMMER WE HAVE ALOT OF SHOWS AND WE HAVE SIX PG WOMEN AND SHE HAS SAID THAT THEY HAVE TO COVER UP TO DANCE QUITE A FEW ARE VERY MAD AT THIS AND THINK SHE IS CRAZY BUT ITS HER SHOWS AND WHERE WE ARE FROM BELLY DANCE IS NOT REALY EXCEPETED HERE VERY WELL
Hello Nola,
I think it’s important to address problems and issues in the beginning because otherwise, the problem will grow into a mountain. I understand she is your teacher and should be respected but she also has to remember that this dance is individual for every student. Since communities tend to dictate what studios do and don’t do, I think maybe your teacher might have a reason for making everyone cover up. Have you asked her why? Maybe a meeting of the minds is in order. It couldn’t hurt. Thank you for writing in and let me know what happens! Also good luck on your performances!
Blessings,
Leyla
HI LEYLA
YES WE DO KNOW WHY SHE DONT LIKE CHILDREN NOR DOES SHE LIKE PG WOMEN ONE GIRL WAITED YEARS TO HAVE A BABY BECAUSE SHE KEPT TELLING HER TWO MORE YEARS GIVE ME TWO MORE YEARS THEN WE WENT TO DENVER TWO YEARS AGO AND WATCHED SADIE DANCE AND SHE WAS 7 MONTHS PG WOW WAS THAT COOL TO WATCH HER DANCE THEN THE GIRL GOT PG AND WAS SO EXCITED TO DANCE AND DANCE WITH HER BABY AND NOW HAS BEEN TOLD SHE HAS TO COVER UP SHES NOT SO HAPPY BUT OK AND NOT GOING TO DANCE THIS SUMMER SO SAD WAS THE BEST DANCER AND NOW THE TEACHERS HAS TOLD HER SHE HAS MADE HER LIFE COMPLICATED SHE IS NOT THE BEST TEACHER BUT THE ONLY ONE FOR 300 TO 600 MILES AWAY SO WE HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER
Hello Nola,
No, you don’t have to live with her. I’m not understanding why you would all give this woman the time of day. There are always alternatives to a negative person. I don’t understand why if she makes your life miserable, you would continue to pay her money to teach you especially when you don’t like her. If you stay with a teacher you don’t like then you perpetuate the problem. The problem will always be the pink elephant in the room. There is no person on this blessed planet worth giving that much say so over your lives and there is no person on this blessed planet worth you allowing her to take away your joy in dance.
Leyla
Nola,
I want to insert a little in defense of the teacher. Maybe you should not be so harsh on her in reference to covering up when pregnant. I do not know this lady or you but I can tell you that if she knows anything she does know that covering up during pregnancy is correct. This does not mean someone is hiding their pregnancy but out of respect for the culture. My girls have always had to cover up when expecting because we are representing the traditions of the Middle eastern culture. So culturally we need to protect not cover up as hide the fact. Just because we are in America and everything and anything goes does not mean it is accepted. When one puts on a costume you are representing another culture so therefor you have to also accept their style. Like it or not. One can dance just as beautifully covered as not. Not everyone wants to see the bare belly of a pregnant lady. Respect the ideas and accept the ideas of another culture.
I know you are in America but every time someone gets on stage they are representing the culture of a Middle Eastern country. Respect this. This dance is not ours to just play with. It is a culturally based dance. Within that concept there is plenty of ways to express yourself. This teacher might just know something you do not. So try not to be so harsh on her.
Morwenna Assaf
Hello Morwenna,
I danced when I was pregnant and I did not hide my bump and I was encouraged by my teacher not to. I had students who were pregnant and everyone always wanted to see the babybump.Even Suhaila danced pregnanat and she was not always covered up. I let it be the decision of my students to cover up and usually by the 5th month they would stop dancing and take my classes for stretching and exercise. It’s just a matter of what a person feels comfortable with. My upbringing does come into play here because I am dancing a culture that is my interpretation of what it means to me. Childbirthing and women support has always been in the forefront of what belly dance means to me.
Nola said this teacher suggested the gal wait to have a baby…what??? Did you read that part? Her teacher should embrace pregnancy as an aspect of being a woman because it’s the feminine symbol of who we are. How could her teacher know what this dancer and her husband want? It’s a personal matter that has nothing to do with the teacher.
I had a whole group of belly dancers who were there during my pregnacy and they helped me raise my daughter. Some were Egyptian and Lebanese and now my daughter is a beautiful young woman who embraces all cultures. My pregancy was embraced by my teacher and dance friends and it made me proud to be a belly dancer. Our dance to me embraces life because we live it every time we dance on stage.
Thank you for your comment, I know you are giving everyone your positive input and one that matters and is greatly appreciated. I see your point and I think the gals here need to read what you have to say. There are some topics that are personal to me and this happens to be one of them.
Mucho Hugs and Blessings,
Leyla
Leyla,
This is a great discussion!! I wanted to comment on dancing while pregnant. I have one student who is currently pregnant and I would never tell her that she has to cover up due to her pregnancy! This is her second and when she was pregnant with her first she dance until she was about 6 months. She performed with us at a birthday party and was with us while we performed at a wedding. She made the decision of when to stop dancing and she was the one that made the decision to slightly cover up when we performed at a wedding with a sheer white piece of fabric. I did not single her out and never would just because she is pregnant. This teacher who is telling her students that they cant dance if they are pregnant is insane!!! In fact, my group and I are embracing her pregnancy with her and our celebrating!!! Because this dance is about us in regards to fertiltiy, sprititulity and celebrating as women!! I have known many dancers who have danced while being pregnant and have not covered up.
I do understand what Morwenna is saying….it can depend on the culture or the attitude of who you are performing in front of. I had an instance were my group and I were having a student recital and we were holding it in a church some of the church members were going to attend and I wanted to make sure that we as a group did not appear sleazzy so I told the girls we were all going to dress conservitatlly. We had our belly covered in some way either with a body stocking or veil. What I realized is this that it did not matter if we were covered or not that did not change the majority of those in the church that attending. We could have been covered from head to toe in wool and they stilll would have thought that it was disgusting. You could see it in their bodies arms folded, legs crossed, very close minded and sat all the way in the back. I tried to educate them before and even during the performance but they were not listening and I realized that I was wasting my time and learned that sometimes you just can not change peoples minds.
Hello Allison,
Though I was thinking in more of the husband and family feedback, I agree with you that this is a really interesting topic. I’m sure everyone has their opinion and I appreciate you and everyone else who is chiming in. I think this particular topic is very personal because it’s an intimate and private decision to have a baby.
Morweena has a good point that I think is very valid and important for women to read and I think your’s is as well. It would be interesting if we could actually get the teacher to join us so we could see her point of view. I doubt that will happen but I know there are two sides to every story.
Mucho Hugs and Love to you and your family,
Leyla
Good Morning Leyla,
So on the subject of how do families feel about belly dancing? My husband accepts my dancing and is very supportive of it. What he does not like is the attitude and behavior that others have about it and at times he can become unglued.
One of my last things I did a few of us did a very improptu performance at a festival where I live and there where a bunch of young teenage boys around and some of the comments where things like oh she is hot…..look at her belly….oh belly dancers……one of them preceded to even throw a dollar on the ground and then picked it back up. My husband is usually there at all my performances but he was not for this one and I am glad because he probably would have gotten into a fist fight with one of those teenagers!! My husband is always there for me and supports me in anyway that he can and I am so thankful for that.
My daughter is very supportive and does not have a problem as to she dances with me also and she wants to teach belly dance as well. When she is not dancing she is always with me wheter it is just for support, playing music or taking pictures.
My son though has a different viewpoint and it does bother him to a degree. When he was litttle he was always there with me and wanted to be involved but as he got older it changed. I showed him the article that I wrote for Jareeda and the first thing he said was can you cover that picture up. It was the picture of me that he did not want to see. Him being my son I do understand how we feels because he is my protector and I am his mom. So we do not talk about it.
My parents accept my dancing and have watched me perform many times. They ask how things are going and what I am doing with my dancing everytime I see them.
My husband family has accepted it and knows it is part of my life and who I am. In fact, my husbands grandmother took 6 weeks of belly dance classes from me. Both her and his my try to come to most of my performances to support me.
So for the most part my family accepts my dancing and realizes that it is who I am and I am so grateful for that!!
Lots of hugs!!
Allison
Good morning Allison,
It was wonderful to get your comment. I woke up a bit late this morning and saw your comment and smiled…thank you!
My nephew Ricky when he was going to college in Houston, used to bring all his friends to come watch me dance at either Cleopatra’s or El Mirage. He would actually make them all stop talking while I danced used to make me laugh. His friends always seemed very appreciative of the dance. I think I will always remember his fondness of my dance and it meant more to me then he will ever know because some of his friends had never seen a belly dancer before and they really loved the culture, food and music. Maybe as your son gets older, he’ll appreciate it more. I think if his friends like it, he’ll get more comfortable.
I actually had an old friend who I grew up with, his name is Woody, he was more like the brother I never had, come watch me dance at Pars Cuisine here in ABQ and he loved it. He had heard everyone’s comments from my past regarding belly dance and he said he was going to go tell everyone he saw me and loved it. So you never know down the line how people are going to react. I was surprised he enjoyed the food and music because he was close friends with my ex. I appreciated his enthusiasm and willingness to experience what I love.
I love the comments coming in…thank you for sharing!!!
Hugs,
Leyla